My Heart Hurts

My heart is hurting tonight. For weeks I haven't been able to sleep. Hell, for years I haven't had a solid nights sleep, but it's been worse than ever lately. My brother is halfway around the world in a God-forsaken place. I don't sleep because I worry about him. And then I get an e-mail that insinuates that I don't care about him because I haven't sent him any care packages. What the *&^#! I'm hurt and pissed both at the same time. I want him to stay focused so he does his job and stays safe. But another part of me is royally pissed at him for equating how many packages or e-mails he gets with how much I love him. And then, knowing there's tension between the family and his girlfriend, I try to extend an olive branch. She asks for advice on how to get my parents to trust her and like her. So I take 4 days to think it over, and word everything the best way I can, only to have her forward my answer to my brother. So much for trust! So much for trying not to upset my brother! So not only am I worried about my brother's physical safety, but I'm worried now that our relationship will be destroyed, and for what. For someone that asked me to trust her but couldn't show me the same consideration. I feel so sick right now. It hurts so bad.

Do You Ever Feel . . .

Like you don't belong. I'm in a funk these days and I just can't seem to get out of it. I don't know where I belong. I love being a mom - love watching my kids grow and mature, love watching them interact. I love being a wife - having someone to share moments with, someone to cuddle with, someone to make love to. I love being a WAHM - setting my own hours, finding the balance between work and family. I love volunteering at my son's school - letting him know that I'm there for him, watching him succeed, meeting other parents. But lately I don't know where I belong. When I'm with the kids, I feel like I should be working more. When I'm working, I feel like I should be cleaning/straightening up around the house. When I'm cleaning, I feel like I should be spending more time with my husband. And then there's me time. Whenever I have a free moment - usually a fleeting, free few minutes, I just want to be alone vegging out or reading a book or magazine. Even on those rare occassions that I try to do something special for me, it usually ends up a disaster. Take yesterday for example. I was supposed to get up, take the kids to school/daycare, go to the gym and then head out to hang with my BFF at one of the casinos for a while. The day started out ok enough. My husband took Budha to daycare; I took Bug to school and then went to the gym. Well between a check in with my trainer, taking care of errands at the bank and post office, I didn't get on the road until 11:00. Then I went the wrong direction on one of the highways and ended up going 30 miles out of my way. So by the time I met up with my girlfriend it was after 12:30 p.m. We had lunch together (which was nice) and then played some slots for about 45 minutes before we both had to leave to get all the kids from school.
When I picked Bug up from school, he was mad at me - not because he had to go to aftercare, but because I picked him up from aftercare too soon. And his mood and attitude just went downhill quickly from there. Budha was all upset with me, too, having had to go to daycare two days in a row. So quite frankly outside of having lunch with my BFF the day - a day for me - sucked!
So the bad/disappointing day coupled with my feeling like I don't belong anywhere has really got me in a funk. And I don't know how to shake it. Right now I just want to curl up in a ball and go to bed.

One of Those Weeks

I'm having one of those weeks. It never fails. It always seems like when I'm trying to prepare everything to go on vacation all hell breaks lose. Buddha has an ear infection (which she's doing well getting over) but the medication is making her have diarrhea. Bug got in trouble at school, and has been late every morning this week - could that be due do Buddha's blood curling screams at all hours because of the ear infection?
The insurance company called today and said that they were paying on a claim from a car accident back in February that wasn't even our fault. As it turns out the copy of the police report turned into our insurance company and the copy that I had from the police department had differences. Tune in for that one; it could prove to be an interesting story.
Because Buddha's been getting sick so much from daycare - we went all winter with one kid in school and no big sickies; 3 months in daycare and stomach flu and now an ear infection - we've decided to pull her out of daycare. The director informed me that even though Buddha's only there one day, I need to give 4 weeks notice. Yeah right! I'm pulling her out because it's costing me money. Like I can afford to pay 4 weeks! Then I told the director that someone deposited my post-dated check before the date and screwed up my checking account. Her response was "Well, it cleared on our end." No *hit, Sherlock. My bank charged me 33.00 so they could clear the check.
To which I responded, "Well, it wasn't supposed to be deposited until Friday. You deposited it on Wednesday, which caused an overdraft on my account and my bank charged me $33.00."
"Well, you should have put a Post-It on it."
"Well, your bank shouldn't have accepted it." Can you tell how this conversation was going? "Consider this notice that [Buddha] will no longer be coming there."
"You'll have to provide that in writing and pay for 4 additional weeks."
"I'll send you something in writing. Bye."
And that's everything that's only happened since this morning. Can't wait for the next two days!

Where did the time go?

Has it really been almost a week since I last posted? Itty Bitty has has the sniffles and it's been a busy week at Bug's school. Next week will be busy, too. Short school week but lots of activities - modified schedule on Monday; Thanksgiving Feast with the kindergarten and fourth graders on Tuesday; mini-concert and prayer service, then early dismissal on Wednesday. That's just Bug's schedule. Then we have company coming for the holiday so I cleaning to do not only in the house, but need to double check the camper since some people are staying out there. Then there's the cooking to start doing for Thanksgiving itself, not to mention making sure everyone has a nice outfit to wear for Itty Bitty's christening on Saturday. Then, of course, there's making time to do some freelance work, too.

I thought giving thanks each day for something would be easy. It's not. The truth of the matter is I'm very thankful overall. I know even on my worst days that things really aren't that bad. I'm fortunate enough to be able to stay home and care for my children, work with my husband, and do freelance work from home. We're all in relatively good health. Our parents and my siblings are in good health. This time last year we were dealing with my dad's cancer and treatment; the year before my father-in-laws. This year - knock on wood - every thing seem to be going well. We have a rough over our heads; food on the table every week. There are no debt collectors calling at all hours. My husband's business is going well; and that's a double blessing going into the holiday season not to mention the winter. I may be stressed out and not in a good mood all the time, but deep down I know things could be much worse. I'm very thankful for my life right now!

Too Much To Do

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. Some people think it's so easy being a WAHM - you can do laundry while you're working, do things with your kids when you want, not worry about dressing up, or even getting dressed if you don't want to. I don't know about other WAHMs but some days I miss the routine of dropping the kids off at daycare and going to a traditional job. At least I got to "leave" or "forget" about things for a while. I didn't have to stare at the laundry piling up because I'm trying to catch up and not miss deadlines for work. Or obsess about the dirt trail every time someone walks into house because we're doing construction. Or, God help me - and please no one take this the wrong way - get a break from a baby who has cholic and reflux, and just never seems to be content, even in her sleep she fusses most of the time. I love my kids - I can't imagine my world without them. But I just want a break every now and then. It's not easy being home. Between the baby and work the only time I really get out of the house is the drive to and from school for my son. And there's always someone crying, or asking me for help with homework, or asking me when dinner's going to be ready, or double checking me that I paid all the bills that need to be paid, or telling me that the baby's crying and I need to take care of her.

I know I'm just overtired and venting. I'm truly not on the verge of doing anything drastic. I think tomorrow weather permitting I'll bundle the baby up and we'll go over to the park for a walk. If not the park, maybe we'll just go to the mall and walk around, window shop, exchange a few outfits that she got - just something to get out of this house, and away from the usual routine, just a break.