Getting Personal

When you marry someone you plan on spending the rest of your lives together. You sign up for a partnership. You’re each expected to help the other and support each other, not just financially speaking, but emotionally and morally. When you come to a decision to start a family, you think that it will be 2 of you raising the kids – feeding, bathing, reading, carpooling, and caring for them when they’re sick. For a long time now, I’ve been feeling like I’m a single parent. I do 99% of the carpooling, reading, feeding, bathing, and caring for my kids. My husband feels that since he is the sole bread winner for the family that is his contribution to our marriage, our family. That being the sole bread winner excuses him from any other responsibilities or obligations to me or our kids. Every birthday, anniversary or special occasion that goes unacknowledged is because he’s too busy with work. And it doesn’t bother him because he claims he wasn’t raised to acknowledge those special events/days in life. My birthday came and went without so much as a “Happy Birthday” being uttered. And now, his birthday is coming up and his parents fully expect me to have a dinner/birthday cake for him. He and our son’s birthdays are just a few days apart so traditionally I do get a cake for both of them. Well, guess what folks, not this year. It may sound petty and trite, but, you know what, I’m done. I spent 4 days in the hospital with our 2 year old daughter, got out 2 days before my own birthday, and I couldn’t even get a “Happy Birthday” out of him. And when I asked him about it, his defense was that I don’t spend enough attention to him and his needs so he didn’t feel like acknowledging my birthday. I got the same response when Valentine’s Day came along. I, at least, made an effort and got him a card and some nice chocolate (he LOVES chocolate), and what did I get – NADA, NOTHING, ZILCH, THE BIG GOOSE EGG. Well, I’m spending too busy taking care of the house, doing the laundry, making the meals, cleaning up the messes, driving the kids around, paying the bills, making the beds, cleaning the dishes, feeding the cat, emptying the garbage, doing the grocery shopping, trying to drum up new freelance work and taking care of the existing client I do have, helping him out with his business paperwork, driving our friend to rehab and any other doctors’ appointments or places he needs to go. This time I’m too busy to acknowledge his birthday. So for the first time in our history together I am not getting my husband a birthday cake or even a card.
Is this the beginning of the end? I don’t know. We’re both willing to try to work on our marriage and seek counseling, and we have our first session Tuesday night. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid because there is a small part of me just doesn't care anymore. I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out. I know I'm not perfect and I have my faults. I've tried not to be a demanding wife. But I don't think it's too much to expect for my husband and the father of my children to actually want to be part of our lives, to be an active participant. I haven't felt that way in a while. Even my 8 year old son feels this way. When my husband announced that he had to work today instead of helping me and going with me to chaperon our son's birthday party, I ask L if he was upset that daddy wasn't coming. His response was "Not really. He'd just yell anyway." That kind of says it all. When my husband does make the time to be an active participant in our lives, most of the time he's not happy about it or enjoying himself. If this was happening just once in a while, I'd understand - we all have days like that. But with my husband it happens a majority of the time.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I just know that something has to change - one way or another.

I'm Back

Be prepared! Has it really been a year since I last used by Blogger account. Well, I tried converting to Wordpress and I just didn't like it as much as I thought I would. So I'm back. Be prepared for some changes, including possibly a new name.

I'm Moving

Today will be my last post on blogger.com. I've moved over to Wordpress so check me out there at http://ofcheeriosandconferencecalls.wordpress.com/

Seven Years Ago

Seven years ago tonight at 8:12 p.m. you were born. Seven years of laughter, joy, tears and mischief. My how you've grown, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I love you, my "baby" boy. I love you with all my heart and soul. I fell in love with you before you even graced me with your presence. No matter where life may lead you, know this - I will always and forever love you. Happy Birthday, Bug!

Catching Up

Has it really been this long since I've done a post? Where has the time gone? Oh well, what's done is done. I know of been busy that's for sure. Between the family, work, new job and, well, just life the days seem to be flying by. This is so evident to me every time I sit back and watch my kids. I'm amazed at how mature (most of the time) Bug is getting, and how quickly Buddha is growing. It's all happening before my eyes. Today I was reminded that a "little girl" I once knew is graduating high school in a few short months and turning 18. When the heck did that happen!
Well instead of lingering on the "where did the time go" mod of thought, I'm trying to focus on the wonder of it all. Watching my kids grow and mature. Taking on new tasks and challenges - sometimes failing (or falling as the case may be) and sometimes achieving. Watching the joy and amazement in their eyes, and sometimes drying the tears from disappointment. Hearing them laugh and giggle at each other and themselves, and, yes, even hearing them fight (at least initially) brings me joy.

This Is Why. . .

This is why I call this blog "Of Cheerios and Conference Calls", a perfect example. I don't use my checkbooks much. Most bill paying and balancing I do on the internet, so I don't write out a lot of checks. Because of this my checkbook is usually in one of two places - my purse or my desk drawer. Well, this morning I was pretty frantic for about an hour. I couldn't find the house checkbook anywhere. Husband's business checkbook - check. My business checkbook - check. Line of credit checkbook - check. House checkbook - no check. I have no idea where it went. Double checked the car to see if it might have fallen out when I went to the bank last week. Not there. Tore the kitchen apart in case someone (um, Husband) took it out of my purse. Not there. Tore my desk apart in case I missed it in the first look. Not there. Went through Buddha's diaper bag - you never know. Not there. OMG - Husband is going to pitch a fit if I really lost it. Let me check one more place, my laptop bags. Not in the first one. Okay - don't panic, look in the second one. Oh, wait, what's in this outside pocket? The checkbook! Gee I wonder who put it in there. Oh, and look what else is in here - a handful of cheerios. I attempt to reprimand her for taking Mommy's checkbook. But come on, how much can you really reprimand a 17 month old especially when she keeps saying "Momma" over and over and making a kissy face to you.

Catching Up

I can't seem to catch a break this year. I'm glad one month is done with and out of the way. My computer crashed. The computer that has not only all my various work related items, our household / personal information, and my husband's business proposals and contracts - crashed. What's that saying from Forrest Gump? Stupid is as stupid does. Well, stupid me, listened to my poor, poor son beg to play a new virtual game he got with a diecast car. Here's the "stupid does" part. I downloaded it onto my computer. As I was clicking away with my mouse, I knew it was a bad, bad idea. Oh, boy, I didn't know just how bad! And what was the worst part was my virus protection didn't catch it. UGGHH! So it meant a week down and about $175 out of my pocket. But the good thing was I caught it in time before the virus was able to do any real damage to my files. Thank goodness. I know it could have been much, much worse But now I'm $175 in the hole - not too bad considering I upgraded memory and got new virus protection plus labor - and a week behind not only in my work but my husband has a bunch of proposals and contracts to get done too. Well, I could look at it this way - my fingers got a week's worth of rest so I should be all set to start typing away nice and fresh tomorrow morning.