Life Gets In the Way

So much has happened since I last posted. Quick summary of some key events:
1. Our house guest has moved out.
2. Still working on marital issues.
3. Kids driving me crazy but school starts in 3 weeks, 5 days!
4. I'm starting to take some classes myself and hope to find a job working in preschool/nursery school setting while I'm continuing my education.
5. I've lost 7 lbs. since the start of summer!
6. My brother's wedding in 5 weeks, 2 days away!
7. My husband's business is starting to pick back up!
8. We're still plagued by car troubles.
9. I've read probably about one book/week myself this summer, while still working with Bug on his reading and reading Dora books to Monkey. Hence, I started volunteering at the library. Figured I was spending so much time there picking out books, I could help out myself.
10. I'm going to re-committ myself to my blog. I need it. I've learned after reading some of the other Mommy bloggers I know that I need this outlet - even if no one is really reading it.

So in an effort to recommit to my blog - I'd like to pass along this great offer I got in my email box today. If you don't already subscribe to RedPlum, you should check it out. Here's an especially tasty offer for the month of August: http://www.redplum.com/pages/ViewArticle.aspx?articleId=3907

I'm going to try and focus on passing along some useful tidbits, offers, advice, and maybe even some product reviews along the way. So sit back now with a good book, a cold beverage (of your choice), and enjoy the last few weeks of summer!

Our House Guest

Our family has been in upheaval for a couple of months now. On top of the usual problems that just happen in a marriage and my husband and I trying to find our way back to each other, we have the added stressor of a house guest. A young man that my husband has been mentoring for about 4 years (both professionally and personally) was seriously injured the day before Thanksgiving. He fell in a stairway hole and fell 26 feet to the concrete basement floor, hitting scaffolding on his way down. MJ suffered a traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for about a week. That was in November. In January we opened our home up to him so that he could have some "supervision" and not have to live alone while he recouperates. MJ is still dealing with the residual effects of the head injury - mainly re-learning how to control the right side of his body. All the doctors have agreed - it's truly a miracle he survived the fall, let alone has made such great strides in his recouperation. But it is hard for him. He's 23 years old, can't drive, can't work, has to continue to take seizure medicine, has difficulty walking, can't live on his own. Each day is full of it's own trials and tribulations. It's been somewhat of a culture shock for all of us. It's a work in progress, trying to meld a young bachelor into a home with an "old" married couple and kids.

We came to a mutual decision this week. Since MJ moved in with us, he's been sharing a room with our 8 year old son, and our 2 year old daughter moved back into our room. We decided this week since we really don't know how long MJ will be with us to take one of our rooms upstairs, clean it out and utilize it for MJ. He is at the point that he can handle a flight of stairs, and would actually be good for him. We're hoping this will be a good transition for all of us. MJ will have his own space; our kids will go back to sharing a room; we can really transition our 2 year old to a bed of her own; and my husbad and I will have our own space once again - another step into us finding our way back to each other. So bring on the cleaning!

Only Time Will Tell

It's been two weeks since my last post. Two counseling sessions for me and my husband. They've been two emotional weeks. But they've also been two insightful weeks. I think we're both getting something out of this, and want to continue. For me, it helps having someone to talk to. Someone totally unbiased that can provide insights into my feelings whether they are critical or supportive. Someone that can "see" our individual points of view while helping us to each understand the other. Above all she reaffirms to us that our situation is not unusual and we can be "helped". It feels almost like after 11 years of marriage we've lost our way a little bit and she's helping us try to find our way back to each other.

Our lives have been in such an upheaval for the last 6 months or so, that it feels like a little bit of the weight and stress has been taken off our shoulders by just finding someone to talk to. Yes, you say, but you have this blog and you both have friends and family. But it's different to go and just talk to someone for an hour - no judgements, no sides being taken - and get critical feedback about your situation. There have actually been a few nights that I slept without waking up and having a staring contest with my bedside clock.

We've started to make some positive changes. When we talk to each other, we aren't being as sarcastic as we have been. We're being "nicer" in our tones of voice. We're both trying to be more patient with each other. For my husband's part, he's trying to not be such a slave to his business - taking some time to really enjoy being home with me and the kids and doing things with us/them. This past Monday was actually a day off from school for our 8 yr old son and my husband ended up not having to work either. The four of us snuggled up in our bed after lunch to watch a movie and ended up all dozing off. Those are things that mean a lot to me and to the kids. It was a great day.

We decided this week to utilize a spare room we have as a guest room and have our friend move into it so that our 2 year old daughter can move out of our room. (Long story and fodder for another post.) Having our own space again is essential to trying to get our marriage back on track on so many levels. These are small steps but at least they are steps, and I am so glad we are making them together.

The big question is, Will all this work? Will we be able to find our way back to each other? Will we be able to continue on as a family? Only time will tell . . . but I think we're off to a good start.

Getting Personal

When you marry someone you plan on spending the rest of your lives together. You sign up for a partnership. You’re each expected to help the other and support each other, not just financially speaking, but emotionally and morally. When you come to a decision to start a family, you think that it will be 2 of you raising the kids – feeding, bathing, reading, carpooling, and caring for them when they’re sick. For a long time now, I’ve been feeling like I’m a single parent. I do 99% of the carpooling, reading, feeding, bathing, and caring for my kids. My husband feels that since he is the sole bread winner for the family that is his contribution to our marriage, our family. That being the sole bread winner excuses him from any other responsibilities or obligations to me or our kids. Every birthday, anniversary or special occasion that goes unacknowledged is because he’s too busy with work. And it doesn’t bother him because he claims he wasn’t raised to acknowledge those special events/days in life. My birthday came and went without so much as a “Happy Birthday” being uttered. And now, his birthday is coming up and his parents fully expect me to have a dinner/birthday cake for him. He and our son’s birthdays are just a few days apart so traditionally I do get a cake for both of them. Well, guess what folks, not this year. It may sound petty and trite, but, you know what, I’m done. I spent 4 days in the hospital with our 2 year old daughter, got out 2 days before my own birthday, and I couldn’t even get a “Happy Birthday” out of him. And when I asked him about it, his defense was that I don’t spend enough attention to him and his needs so he didn’t feel like acknowledging my birthday. I got the same response when Valentine’s Day came along. I, at least, made an effort and got him a card and some nice chocolate (he LOVES chocolate), and what did I get – NADA, NOTHING, ZILCH, THE BIG GOOSE EGG. Well, I’m spending too busy taking care of the house, doing the laundry, making the meals, cleaning up the messes, driving the kids around, paying the bills, making the beds, cleaning the dishes, feeding the cat, emptying the garbage, doing the grocery shopping, trying to drum up new freelance work and taking care of the existing client I do have, helping him out with his business paperwork, driving our friend to rehab and any other doctors’ appointments or places he needs to go. This time I’m too busy to acknowledge his birthday. So for the first time in our history together I am not getting my husband a birthday cake or even a card.
Is this the beginning of the end? I don’t know. We’re both willing to try to work on our marriage and seek counseling, and we have our first session Tuesday night. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid because there is a small part of me just doesn't care anymore. I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out. I know I'm not perfect and I have my faults. I've tried not to be a demanding wife. But I don't think it's too much to expect for my husband and the father of my children to actually want to be part of our lives, to be an active participant. I haven't felt that way in a while. Even my 8 year old son feels this way. When my husband announced that he had to work today instead of helping me and going with me to chaperon our son's birthday party, I ask L if he was upset that daddy wasn't coming. His response was "Not really. He'd just yell anyway." That kind of says it all. When my husband does make the time to be an active participant in our lives, most of the time he's not happy about it or enjoying himself. If this was happening just once in a while, I'd understand - we all have days like that. But with my husband it happens a majority of the time.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I just know that something has to change - one way or another.

I'm Back

Be prepared! Has it really been a year since I last used by Blogger account. Well, I tried converting to Wordpress and I just didn't like it as much as I thought I would. So I'm back. Be prepared for some changes, including possibly a new name.