Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Saturday, October 18, 2008

My Heart Hurts

My heart is hurting tonight. For weeks I haven't been able to sleep. Hell, for years I haven't had a solid nights sleep, but it's been worse than ever lately. My brother is halfway around the world in a God-forsaken place. I don't sleep because I worry about him. And then I get an e-mail that insinuates that I don't care about him because I haven't sent him any care packages. What the *&^#! I'm hurt and pissed both at the same time. I want him to stay focused so he does his job and stays safe. But another part of me is royally pissed at him for equating how many packages or e-mails he gets with how much I love him. And then, knowing there's tension between the family and his girlfriend, I try to extend an olive branch. She asks for advice on how to get my parents to trust her and like her. So I take 4 days to think it over, and word everything the best way I can, only to have her forward my answer to my brother. So much for trust! So much for trying not to upset my brother! So not only am I worried about my brother's physical safety, but I'm worried now that our relationship will be destroyed, and for what. For someone that asked me to trust her but couldn't show me the same consideration. I feel so sick right now. It hurts so bad.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Do You Ever Feel . . .

Like you don't belong. I'm in a funk these days and I just can't seem to get out of it. I don't know where I belong. I love being a mom - love watching my kids grow and mature, love watching them interact. I love being a wife - having someone to share moments with, someone to cuddle with, someone to make love to. I love being a WAHM - setting my own hours, finding the balance between work and family. I love volunteering at my son's school - letting him know that I'm there for him, watching him succeed, meeting other parents. But lately I don't know where I belong. When I'm with the kids, I feel like I should be working more. When I'm working, I feel like I should be cleaning/straightening up around the house. When I'm cleaning, I feel like I should be spending more time with my husband. And then there's me time. Whenever I have a free moment - usually a fleeting, free few minutes, I just want to be alone vegging out or reading a book or magazine. Even on those rare occassions that I try to do something special for me, it usually ends up a disaster. Take yesterday for example. I was supposed to get up, take the kids to school/daycare, go to the gym and then head out to hang with my BFF at one of the casinos for a while. The day started out ok enough. My husband took Budha to daycare; I took Bug to school and then went to the gym. Well between a check in with my trainer, taking care of errands at the bank and post office, I didn't get on the road until 11:00. Then I went the wrong direction on one of the highways and ended up going 30 miles out of my way. So by the time I met up with my girlfriend it was after 12:30 p.m. We had lunch together (which was nice) and then played some slots for about 45 minutes before we both had to leave to get all the kids from school.
When I picked Bug up from school, he was mad at me - not because he had to go to aftercare, but because I picked him up from aftercare too soon. And his mood and attitude just went downhill quickly from there. Budha was all upset with me, too, having had to go to daycare two days in a row. So quite frankly outside of having lunch with my BFF the day - a day for me - sucked!
So the bad/disappointing day coupled with my feeling like I don't belong anywhere has really got me in a funk. And I don't know how to shake it. Right now I just want to curl up in a ball and go to bed.