Thursday, October 2, 2008

Do You Ever Feel . . .

Like you don't belong. I'm in a funk these days and I just can't seem to get out of it. I don't know where I belong. I love being a mom - love watching my kids grow and mature, love watching them interact. I love being a wife - having someone to share moments with, someone to cuddle with, someone to make love to. I love being a WAHM - setting my own hours, finding the balance between work and family. I love volunteering at my son's school - letting him know that I'm there for him, watching him succeed, meeting other parents. But lately I don't know where I belong. When I'm with the kids, I feel like I should be working more. When I'm working, I feel like I should be cleaning/straightening up around the house. When I'm cleaning, I feel like I should be spending more time with my husband. And then there's me time. Whenever I have a free moment - usually a fleeting, free few minutes, I just want to be alone vegging out or reading a book or magazine. Even on those rare occassions that I try to do something special for me, it usually ends up a disaster. Take yesterday for example. I was supposed to get up, take the kids to school/daycare, go to the gym and then head out to hang with my BFF at one of the casinos for a while. The day started out ok enough. My husband took Budha to daycare; I took Bug to school and then went to the gym. Well between a check in with my trainer, taking care of errands at the bank and post office, I didn't get on the road until 11:00. Then I went the wrong direction on one of the highways and ended up going 30 miles out of my way. So by the time I met up with my girlfriend it was after 12:30 p.m. We had lunch together (which was nice) and then played some slots for about 45 minutes before we both had to leave to get all the kids from school.
When I picked Bug up from school, he was mad at me - not because he had to go to aftercare, but because I picked him up from aftercare too soon. And his mood and attitude just went downhill quickly from there. Budha was all upset with me, too, having had to go to daycare two days in a row. So quite frankly outside of having lunch with my BFF the day - a day for me - sucked!
So the bad/disappointing day coupled with my feeling like I don't belong anywhere has really got me in a funk. And I don't know how to shake it. Right now I just want to curl up in a ball and go to bed.

4 comments:

casual friday everyday said...

Yes, I know your feelings. I bet a lot of people have these feelings even if they won't admit it. HUGS!

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way and I'm not even a parent or a wife. Everyone has days or weeks when they feel they don't fit. Just remember big sister, you complete me :) I love you.

Jen @ One Moms World said...

Oh girl... I have definitely had those days. Sometimes you try and try and try so hard but it still goes all crazy anyways. My Madisyn was upset with me a couple days ago because I picked her up early from school. I wrote a post about it. Kids are so funny. Big (((HUGS)))

Tishia said...

Sending hugs your way. It's funny that I'm reading this tonight because I just got done telling a friend earlier that I feel so disconnected and so out of place anymore. I've pulled away from the online social activities I normally enjoy (Twitter and such) to hang out with my offline friends more but I still feel like I'm lost in translation somewhere. I think it's normal to have these feelings. Like Nell said, probably lots of people have these feelings they just won't admit it. I'll be praying for you! Hang in there and keep your chin up.